Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
