weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
