Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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