So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize