Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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