so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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