Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
