So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
