I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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