Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
