your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
