I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
