i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
