obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
