Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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