Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
