I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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