I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
