Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
