So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You dont lie about slip and slides
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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