it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize