if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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