If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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