best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
