just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
