Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
