I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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