Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
