I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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