he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
