Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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