I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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