Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
