i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
