i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
