Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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