I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Enjoy the penises
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
