I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
