she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i out mim tonsoeep
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