I got chris browned last night
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
whose parrot is this?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
