There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
