So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize