buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
