i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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