You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
