How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize