my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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