I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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