smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
