My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
