the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
