I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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