This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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