You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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