i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize