based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
