I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
