Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
