I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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