Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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