and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
