Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
