seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
