You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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