your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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