I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
