Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's Friday. Sex?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize