Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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