I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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