the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
